WOW-ED

I have had so many WOW moments the last couple days.
There are some Awesome People out there and there are some Awesome moments out there waiting to be claimed.
I know in my heartbreak I have missed out on some incredible Blessings. But I also know that there are more out there.
I am just amazing as my eyes are coming out of the fog the love, support and constant blessings from so many.
I would like to share my top 5 WOW moments!!

1. Completely WOWED at a $1000 dollar donation Andy and I have been given to go towards Ariel. I think I cried all night over the generosity of our friends. 
2. I am WOWED at the cards that have came into my work from clients. Everyday I receive cards expressing their support and love for me. Many have heard so many years for stories about Ariel and my love for her. I have saved every card and am so thankful for each and every one.
3. I am WOWED by my running partner "Danielle". I am just amazed every time I run with her at how we got connected after 20 years. I am most WOWED by all my running I have done YET I have not RAN her off yet!
4. I am WOWED by people who have brought out the greatness inside themselves even in the darkest circumstances. I have met some beautiful people the few weeks and I am a better person from it.
5. Today I was WOWED by a card I opened at the end of my day at work. It was a very personal card but I did not recognize the name until I read the caption. "Confessions of a Non-runner".  Inside the card was a check to go towards Ariel's headstone. This WOWED me for many reasons but also because it was a fellow blogger and reader. This was soo sweet. 

Andy and I have a envelope of un-cashed checks and cash from donations to put towards Ariels headstone and her Scholarship fund that has been but in place from her Sorority Sisters , "Phi Sigma Sigma".

 RUNDOWN:
Thursdays Run!
Distance-8 miles
Pace - 9:07

Danielle and I ran out at Indian Springs. It was a beautiful morning for a run. "Danielle" ran so good. I love watching her push through Defeat. I love seeing her give 110%. I take more from her accomplishment than my personal run.

 " Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.

Mark Victor Hansen"

Anita

Everyone Handles Grief Differently

It is interesting to watch how people perform in the middle of chaos.
Ariel's passing put most everyone on their best behavior. And the bad behavior was completly justified because of the devasting circumstances.
Tomorrow will be 5 weeks. And the emotions are shifting and the grace period for bad behavior in my eyes is coming to a close.
Everyone is hurting. EVERYONE. When I see someone hurt I want so badly to help them. If there is anything I am capable of doing I try to do it. But that is not how everyone operates.
The pain of loosing Ariel will never go away. Ariel was like my daughter. I have read it in her words and I have read notes I have given her that have described her as a daughter in my words.
She knew I loved her like my daughter. And she loved that. She loved knowing I would do anything for her. And whatever she asked for I always tried to get for her or I gave her.
She Loved me back.
She knew I Loved Her.
She Loved me.
She Loved me
She Loved me.
That is the most incredible feeling in the world.
But right now it is the most Painful feeling because she is gone. This most amazing girl who loved me for all my imperfections is gone. She was my number one fan and I was hers. And she is gone.
The girl that text me all the time and called me with life questions is gone. My shopping buddy, my lunch buddy, my inspiration is gone.
And it hurts.
And to make the pain even worse people have to secretly give me things because "You probably won't get it."
How can you have someone for almost complete summers, for entire holiday vacations, be their youth leader in church for years, take them to school throughout the week and all weekend long and not even be allowed to be part of their death?????
Her death hurts so very bad and this is making it even worse.

Closure means different things to different people.

ANDY for instance can't hardly look at her pictures and totally does not understand why I cry all the time. Or why I want anything of hers because he says "Why would you torture yourself like that?"
MOM her closure is trying to get in Ariels head all the time. Trying to figure out what was on her mind in each picture and each card or with each verse underlined in her bible. Mom can't look at Ariels' boxes all stacked in her room where they were left 3 weeks ago without hurting "I can't look at that stuff knowing She is not ever going to have them or wear them again."
M.A.K.A. House ( Ariel's roommates and sorority sisters) are feeling completely abandoned. Left out. They had such a intimate relationship with Ariel for the last 2 years living with her and suddenly not only is she gone but so is all of her stuff. They were left with an empty room. They always congregated in Ariel's room and hung out on her bed. The "M.A.K. A. House" is  so upset that that too will be gone. They grieve over the items that represented Ariel being taken away. The only comfort they have is sitting and crying on Ariels bed and they are tearfully grieving that soon to be loss too.
ME.. I am grieving the loss of the girl who described herself as "The closest thing to a daughter she has.." From the time she was 12 she really started gravitating towards me and my family.  But she was doing more than that she was listening, she was watching, she was taking notes and growing closer to me. And I knew I was more than just a Aunt.
In my grief I want the last 9 years that I was soo close to her. Intimate like her sisters. I want to smell her, I want to feel her, I want to relive every memory and never never forget. I want little items that I was a part of with her because that was us. They have meaning, deep affectionate meaning. I could care less about her stuff but I don't think it is right that someone else is going to have something that has no intimate meaning to them like it would someone else. It makes no sense to me people taking things that had no meaning. But that is MY grief. I want to snuggle in her comforter the way we would when she would come over, I want to sit around and cry over the movie "Precious" on a lonely evening with her, I want to run my fingers through her hair over and over again like I used to and I want to say one last time " Hey, where's your lip gloss?" or  I want her to ask me to put suntan oil on her back and feel her skin under my fingers one more time.....
My Grief is intimate. I want to feel the tears down my cheeks, I want my heart to ache with Love, the love I HAD FOR HER and the LOVE she GAVE ME.
I want to beg for a breath to remind me of the words I gave her.
I want to hurt and know that my hurt is LOVE, Is Intimacy, Is Remarkable and Memorable.
The Love and Memories I have are fulfilling...The hurt is welcomed and endured.
 I am grateful for every tear because it represents Her love for me and mine for her.

What do U think? How do U Grieve? 

Anita

The Healing Power Component

"And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." Luke 6:31

Cold rainy days are often filled with gloom and are a open invitation to a pity party. With my wounded heart it is not hard to go to a pity party and bring a dish to pass.
I had terrible nightmares last night and could not sleep. Every time I thought I was on the cusp of zoning off a memory or a thought entered my mind and shook the sleep out of my eyes.
Although 6 am came quick I did not fight the comforts of my bed because there was no comfort. There was no peace, my mind was raging.

I had plans today and my plans were not going to be sitting at home crying all day. I wanted to feel Ariel in a very real and healing way. I wanted to be close to the ones that were close to her.
The Healing Component was be a Blessing and get a Blessing. I did this in 6 ways Today:

1. I called Ariel's Sorority sisters, I spoke to "Rebecca"and a couple others. I  told "Rebecca" about some donations we had for her Scholarship Fund in Ariel's name. I also answered a question that she had and just something so simple made her so very happy. 
2. I went out to our young adults pastors house.  "Scott" and " Jessica" are a beautiful couple.  "Scott" is a good friend to Andy.  "Jessica" needed her hair cut and I didn't want her to have to come out with little ones so I told them I would come to them. We had a very special visit. I learned of some recent loss that their family have been dealing with and it pulled on my heartstrings. It felt to good to hug "Jessica" I could feel her pain and I know she could feel mine too.
3. Charlie wanted a plant from the funeral and didn't get one but I did. I wanted "Charlie" to have part of mine. I feel like he is part of our family and it was important for me to share my plant with him. I actually took my little plant to a florist and had them split it and put it in a nice container for the both of us. I surprised "Charlie" with it today taking it up to his work. This made him smile. 
4. I called mom several times and each time I called to check on her she was boo woo-ing. And when she heard my voice she started laughing and said "You caught me, and keep pulling me out of my bad place".   I Love how God used me to encourage mom, even in my grief I could help her in hers. 
5. I invited "Mo" over for dinner and chat. "Mo" was Ariel's best friend from high school. I really enjoy being close to the ones that were close to Ariel. I gave "Mo" a necklace that matched the necklace I had bought for Ariel for Christmas this year. She was brought to tears. This really blessed me.
6. As "Mo" and I finished dinner my neighbor "Lori" called and needed a huge favor. Her daughter "Ashley" had hit a deer and needed someone to go out and help her with the police and tow truck. I felt honored that my neighbor trusted me and thought of me to help her.

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works"

Life is so much more fulfilling when you fill it with others. "OTHERS" that is the Healing Component. "Others" can bring you a blessing, can birth you a smile, can pull you out of a pit, and can help to heal you little by little. So many people are hurting. So many people out there have pain that is so real and so raw to them. Just as our Pain is to us. But the power in dying to ourselves and our desires and our depression can help to turn our frown upside down. It does not remove our pain, I don't want anything to take away my broken heart but I do want to be used by God all the time and in every way I can.


RUNDOWN:
Sunday:
Distance: 7 miles
Pace: 8:04
Monday:
Bike 5 miles
Run 5 miles. Hills

Ran Hard today! I Had my Ariel Angel wings on and they were sweating to. I so badly wanted to quit towards my last set but "Failure WAS NOT an OPTION!"
Never Never Never quit. 

Anita

Camping out in the land of Disappointments.

Back to life. Sunny and bright skies made movements a little easier.  "Danielle" my running partner injured herself raking leaves. Being a runner it just seems mean to get injured by anything but running!
So I was a solo runner.
After getting the kids off to school I started my morning reading the rest of "Samson" in  Judges.
From there my feet hit the floor and went on auto pilot.

I got 2 phone calls today.
"Holly" my dear friend from high school who called to check on me. This meant so much to me. Holly is very wise and even keel. She is good at keeping me grounded and looking at the bigger picture even when I don't want to.
"Becca" is one of my nieces. I debated on answering the phone because I am in a funky place. But I did and I am so glad I did. I spoke to "Becca" for almost an hour, till I had to let her go in order for me to get my run in. She is questioning God and her existence. "What is the point? Life is so hard and I do not see it getting any easier."
I shared Gods promises and memorized scripture to encourage her and help her look at this life from a different perspective.
Sometimes we have to take our self out of the equation. We have to look at other people and their needs, their hurts and see how blessed we are. Even in our deepest grief God gives us opportunity to heal by helping and encouraging someone else. It is not easy but I find so much healing in dying to myself in my greatest affliction and wiping someone else's tears.
We are only here on earth for a blink in time. We are going to suffer, we are going to hurt, we are going to be disappointed and discouraged. This world is going to kick our teeth in, we are going to suffer loss and wonder how we are going to make it through the day but this life is just a stepping stone for a eternity in HEAVEN.

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh." 2 Corinthians 4:8-11 

The last four weeks I have found myself in the land of disappointment many times. I know the terrain well. I grew up very familiar with disappointment's and discouragements. I jump on the train of Gratitude and Grace to escape this bitter land but somehow find myself camping back out there all over again. 

People are going to hurt you. People are going to disappoint you. I have been terribly hurt by the loss of Ariel and with open wounds of grief I am so confused by the behavior of people.
 "Expectations are Premature Resentments."  This to me means I have to let go of my expectations of people. People are going to hurt me, often not intentionally. They are absorbed in their own pain and I am caught in the cross fire. So I not only remove my expectations of people I also have to lovingly DETACH. I have to love those people from a distance. I have to set up  healthy boundaries that are going to protect me and prevent me from getting bitter, hurt, and all the emotional garbage that goes along with being disappointed. I can not control what others do to me but I can control my response to them. But it is not easy for this little Mexican hot head so I practice:

• Removing Expectations
• Detaching in Love
• Setting Healthy Boundaries
• Seeking God for Strength, Wisdom and Direction 

 

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I took Sheba for a 5 mile run. My little boxer is a beast! She did great except for when a little ankle biter was walking his owner in our direction... I tightened the reins on Sheba's leash but I didn't get a good enough grip and she lunged towards this little dog just feet from us. I lost my balance and flew through the air trying hard to retrieve not just myself but my pride. I would have looked better just letting myself stumble and fall then the circus act I did trying to prevent myself from falling!

I am so excited to try some new running treats. I finally found the "Stinger Waffles". I think I will have to try them Sunday after my long run!

My Grocery basket. Stinger Waffles and Justin's individual Peanut butter packets! YUM!

I had a nice visit with "CHARLIE" Ariel's boyfriend. We met for a quick cup of coffee. I wanted to check on him and make sure he was doing well. He is a good guy and I believe he is going to be Ok.
The ARIEL CHALLENGE: Find one thing everyday you are Thankful for. Even in our Grief let us be reminded to find GRATITUDE.

What or Who are your Thankful for? Are camping in the land of disappointments or are you on the train to Gratitude and Grace?

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Anita

Disney Day 3: Celebrate Today

"Christa" and I before our run

Psalms 16:11

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." 

All the girls are gone out on the town here at Disney. It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I am in my elements. I can hear my thoughts, I can breathe, I can think about what I want to think about and not feel guilty for any of it.
I am in a condo with 10 other girls from Glitz. It is day 3 of our mini Disney Vacation. We really have an incredible group of girls and a great boss.
I love the girls but I also love my nothing box!
I am not a party girl. I don't drink and do not like to be out late at night.

I got up today with the idea of enjoying a tranquil cup of coffee protected inside from the scheduled rainy weather. I did not get up alone. Before I knew it the first pot of coffee was gone within minutes of me brewing it and so were the other 2 pots soon after. We all gathered around a kitchen table drinking coffee and fighting for air to talk. It was quite the scene out of a sitcom. 1- 6 foot table with 10 chairs squeezed around it and 13 women gabbing, laughing and interrupting one another. We are hairdressers that is what we do, talk loud, use lots of facial expressions and hand motions, laugh like crazed lunatics and think we are the funniest thing there is. We were all having fun. Even I was having fun.

There was no schedule of events for us girls. Actually because of the 40% chance of rain showers most of us made NO plans.
Oh but I had 1 thing on my day...
"Anita what are you going to do today?" someone asked.
"I am going to run till my legs fall off!." I responded in all seriousness.

"Christa" wanted to go running with me. She also wanted to go with the rest of the group to "Earl of a Sandwich". She chose running with me.
We decided to run 4 miles again only I was going to drop her off and keep going and run till my legs fell off, remember?!

As we walked outside there was no rain. And there was no rain in sight. I was getting more and more excited. "Christa" did great. She let me lead her and we went in a direction that was unfamiliar to her and me both. But because I have been running so long I have a pretty good sense of not only direction but also distance and time. She was concerned when we went off the path and ended up outside of our resort. "Christa, just trust me, I wont get us lost." I did even better than Christa could have ever imagined. I dropped her off right at 4 miles directly in front of "Earl of a Sandwich"! And things even got better when we walked in and saw the rest of our girls in line to order their food. It was perfect.

Mile 4 of my run. Running with pirates!

I stuck around for a few minutes and then turned my ipod on and headed back out into the warm Florida sun.

I ran over 14 miles. I never got lost and wouldn't have cared if I had. I had my legs. All I wanted to do was run. I had nothing else planned. I wanted to run brainlessly. The sidewalk was my playground and all I had to do was move. All I had to do was go forward in gratitude that I was capable of entertaining this love affair. It is so fulfilling to create your own happy place.

The whole world was spinning around me and yet in my movement I was alone in my own world. 

There is so much life to live and even when there may not be much time in our life I have learned from "Ariel" that you can always live it to its fullest. 

Even when I do not "Feel" like smiling or laughing sometimes we just have to suck it up and fight for joy. 

In our loss and in our hardships, at the cusp of them the wound is so abrasive and open. The wounds of this life are fresh in their infancy and we are reminded of their discomfort and pain almost constantly.  When our wounds are tender and raw there are many agonizing days. Every moment is difficult and there seems like there is not a break in our agony and yet another wave of affliction crashes upon us. But as the minutes turn to hours and the hours turn to days the bad days turn to bad moments with a few scraps of joy woven in between our heartache. And with each passing day I am told that the bad days with a few good moments will eventually turn to good days with a few tough moments. 

One Day at a Time. 
Breathe

I can not make sense from senseless. And Ariels death seems just like that in my little itty bitty mind.

But for today I will just try to make it to the next moment. There are things I will never understand and many things I can not figure out. I give it to God in trust. I trust God and his plan. I know that God wants me to crawl up on his lap and cry. He expects me to. He knows I do not understand his plan but he wants me to come to him, my heavenly Father...for comfort and peace. When my mind is twirling with unanswered questions and selfishness h\He gives me not only grace but He holds me and cares for me and He wipes my tears.

Ariel Challenge. At Disney there is a parade that happens at the Magic Kingdom every day at 3pm. We watched it yesterday and I wanted to see "Ariel". Mind you My Ariel never even watched "My Little Mermaid."  But I just wanted to see her because she shared the same name as MY Princess. 

There she came, the last float in the parade and facing the other side. All I could even see was her long crimson red hair. I was left disappointed. But then as the float cruised past me a banner hung across that read " Celebrate Life"

Let your heart cry. But find a moment to laugh. Find moments to Celebrate Life. Remember that bad Moments in the beginning encircle you but there will be Good Moments in bad days and eventually we will have less and less of those Bad/Hard Moments in Good Days.  

How did you Celebrate Life Today? 

RUNDOWN:

Time:2.08

Distance: 14miles

Pace:9:09

 

Anita

Disney day 2

I am having a moment of unrealness. It just struck me again that your not there Ariel.
Here I am at Disney and everyone is smiling and laughing and this is the place where dreams come true and I have tears streaming down my cheeks.

That was my post at 4:30pm. I had a moment. I felt it building up. As the day moved forward I drew away from the group and inverted into myself. I was not aware that I had done this until my emotions had conformed me into a emotional tragedy.

I sat on the deck of our condo sobbing as the girls were inside laughing and carrying on. "What is wrong with you Anita?" I asked myself. "Why can't you just enjoy yourself and have fun?"

"Ashley" softly came outside on the deck. She was so sweet. I tried to hide myself but she found me. She let me know what time we had to be ready and gave me a hug, You know when you are crying and someone talks to you or approached you it makes it almost worse. Well that is what happened. Poor "Ashley".

I wiped my face and took a deep breath before I entered the condo again.
We got ready and left for dinner.

Overall it was a good day. It was another beautiful sunny Florida day.
We had a great dinner and did some shopping. It seemed everywhere I shopped I found something for Ariel. I loved buying her little things.

MY legs are restless. I can hardly type any longer. There is more I have to say but my body is turning against me. Gonna call it quits and try to catch up tomorrow.

I ran with "Christa" and ran a quarter of  a mile with "Michelle" she separated from us and went to the gym. It was nice to have company and my Garmin actually worked.

Night,
Anita

Divine Intervention

My Epic Failure: Last year I was 3 seconds SHY Qualifying for ING New York  City Marathon. I was trying to qualify at Detroit and was short 3 Seconds!! You could sneeze 3 seconds that just isn't even possible to do on accident. I grieved that loss. That was so close I could taste it. And yet it might as well been millions of miles away. I remember thinking "3 seconds, maybe God does not want me to run it, maybe He is protecting me, because 3 seconds is just ludicrous, it is clearly of GOD that I am did not qualify." And sadly enough the Marathon was cancelled Friday at 6:30pm due to Hurricane Sandy.

I truly believe that 3 second was not my EPIC Failure rather Gods Divine intervention.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I got up this morning at 3:15AM. It really wasn't a big deal as early as that seems because I am still not sleeping well.
I tried so hard to be organized and yet I still lost my Disney envelope with my shuttle info in it.
I just decided to except it. And it was at that point that I found it! Andy had put it on his dresser. My wires are just not sending or receiving and nothing is connecting. I fell literally like a chicken with her head cut off.

DISNEY: 

Poolside at Old Key West!

I am not a fan of flying. I have never really liked it. Of course I loved jumping out of a airplane and skydiving but I do not like flying  in one.
40 girls from Glitz salons are here at Disney for a class. It really is a awesome trip and should be an awesome time.

Florida, sunny and 80 degrees. It is beautful and a great exchange from 38 degrees and gloomy.
Directly after getting off the plane we headed to the pool.
I smiled and tried to show enthusiasm and happiness but it was not as natural as I had hoped.
Ariel was supposed to be going to Florida to see "Sarah". There was a part of me that felt guilty for being here without her.

As the hot sun wrapped itself around me I could feel it warmth radiating against my skin. My skin was bare and I embraced the heat like a blanket. I felt so snug on my lounge chair with my music in my ears that I fell asleep.
But I awoke to Ariel. To memories of the two of us laying in the sun. I reminisced of us in the sand at Silver Lake Sand Dunes.  I love the sun. I love laying out. And I am going to miss terribly not having her to enjoy not only my favorite sun things but hers as well. And then came the tears.
I got up to walk away. I did not want to ruin everyone's happy place with my sadness.
I walked towards the sand. The sand was warm to touch. It sank in between my toes. As my heart cried out I found refuge in the sand and the sun.
I let my heart grieve and allowed myself time to release my tears as I wiped my eyes and started to walk back towards the girls again.

I am going to have many of these moments. I am glad that I am here to have them.

I couldn't wait to get back to our condo and have a run. I didn't have much time before we had to meet for dinner, so a 4 mile run was my everything.
My stupid Garmin wouldn't get a signal so I went by time and new I must be close.
4miles.
They were not anything crazy but they were good.

My legs are restless and my eyes are heavy, I am going to hit the hay and try this all over again in the morning!

Favorite quote :Katie " My stomach was hurting so bad from being hungry and now my stomach is hurting so bad from being FULL!"

Anita