Dear Mom..

Hi Mom,

Today was a pretty good day.  I felt like you were sitting on my shoulder all day. Everything I did, Every place I went You were there. Even though I know you are not here and I know you can not read this it is a form of remembrance.  I know it is more me -it is my form of memorializing you.

This morning I got the boys off to school. We had a good morning. Do you remember those.."Good mornings" with your girls? 

I have been running with some friends on Thursday. Mom, one of them is a girl I graduated with almost 20 years ago! You didn't know her, but you would have liked her. "Danielle" and I ran this morning and it was so peaceful. We ran with ease, we just relaxed our legs and minds and ran. It was 26 degrees ..brr..you never would have came out in it. I thought for a minute "I must be nuts".

Funny thing today mom. I spent almost the whole day with Andy's mom. This is not a normal event for us. I am very close to her but we do not usually go shopping together. Neither one of us are big shoppers. Andy's Mom, she is so good to me, even when I am being a brat. I just do not want to mess this one up mom. I really flubbed things up with you. A lot of regrets. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. I know that the things we take for granted we will loose. Because I lost you. 
It still haunts me almost 20 years later.Today you left me.
You would be so happy to see how good she is to me.I really try to make her happy. The way she makes me happy. Sometimes I wonder why she loves me as much as she does. I mean I am not her daughter, she didn't give birth to me, she didn't raise me or grow that intimate bond with me...so why does she choose to love me the way she does..the way you would love me mom??? 
God fulfilled my loss of you today, with her, (Andy's mom). I miss you and nothing can replace you, but God supplied Andy's mom to nurse me and care for me today~ To help me with the last visions of you in that hospital bed that still haunt me. I don't think I will ever recover from seeing you like that for so long. So frail and defeated in the hospital bed. I know why 20 years later I still struggle. Not saying goodbye, not understanding, there was no closure. I do not know if I will ever be able to recover fully from the nightmare of your death and the circumstances that surrounded it. But I do know..God didn't leave me alone, motherless..hopeless or abandoned..He gave me her...


Tears still stain my cheeks, my heart still hurts, you face is before me, your words echo in my mind. I love you..Anita Maria

The Rundown:

Time:1:06
Pace:8:12
Distance:8:02

Detoxing my heart.

I layered up today for therapy. There were a few things circulating in my head that were poisoning my heart. I needed the pavement and my running shoes to help me clear my head. I needed to hear a voice bigger than my own.

December has always been bittersweet for me. This month holds the beauty of the birth of Christ.
For me December represents Christ and his birth. This month I feel Christ all over. As I drive through town I see the manger scene at the little white church, when I turn on the radio I hear "Silent Night" and when I put my change in the Salvation Army bucket I see the smile of gratitude wrapped with "God Bless you". I see people displaying more grace and more love this time of year.
December I am always out of whack a bit though. It is also the month  my Mom died, my sweet grandmothers birthday and  my birthday even falls in December.
There are many  reasons to be joyous- why do I feel like I am malfunctioning? I wake up smiling. I feel grateful. My home is running in "organized chaos" yet emotionally I feel distracted.

I had the opportunity to speak to a group of ladies at a sister church of ours this week. As much as I was speaking to them I was speaking to myself.

DISTRACTIONS-an interruption; an obstacle to concentration

James 4:8 – Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

OUCH...DOUBLE MINDED...Yup that is me. My mind is split. divided. 

When I am not committed and focused, I feel  unstable. When I  are going all over the place with everything in my life, things are chaotic and disorderly. God is a God of order. Today's run helped me clear up all the junk in my head and in my heart that is keeping me from  living victoriously.
Psalms 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. 

I have not done the wrong things but there are things that are ruminating in my mind that have potential to surface and display itself in more of a action form.  I am aware of this. Being transparent here. 

And THIS IS WHY I LAYERED up!! I layered up, laced up and bucked up for a cold purging run. It was time to think. I didn't look at the Garmin but to see my distance. The opposite of DISTRACTION is FOCUS. I focused on identifying what was renting unwanted space in my head. Then I asked God to help me remove that unwanted garbage. Give me a NEW SPIRIT. Clean my heart. 

My run was good... good and cold! I layered up on more than clothing. I layered up on GODS promises and words. I focused on HIM and my identity in CHRIST. Then I felt his security and support. 

  Colossians 3:2 "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." 

1,2,3,4 Layers..that you can see!!!

 

 

 RECIPE: Granola

2 Cups Rolled oats

1/2 Cup Coconut

Agave is a alternative to Maple Syrup

1/2 cup Sliced Almonds        

1/4 Cup Canola Oil

3/4 Cup Real Maple Syrup

MIX ALL INGREDIANTS IN LARGE BOWL

PLACE SPREAD OUT ON COOKIE SHEET

BAKE AT 350 for 20 minutes

Cool on wax paper

RUNDOWN

Time:56:23

Pace:7:57

Distance:7:09

Anita

Lookin like the Michelin Man!!

The heart of man plans his way,but the Lord establishes his steps.Proverbs 16:9

My heart sank. I felt so crushed and I had not even gotten out of bed yet. "Anita, what part are you not getting? Do not spend any money today." Andy hollered at me with firmness. I was arguing with him that today was opening registration for Bayshore Marathon in Traverse City. "But..." I argued.  I knew by the tone it was better to just drop it.  So I layed there defeated. 

It was my fault. I overspent. I love buying gifts and giving presents. "And now here everyone gets a gift but me" I thought as I laid there pouting. Doesn't that just take the cake! Buyers Remorse. We don't use credit cards, though we have them they are for Emergency only...This would not qualify as an emergency.  My mind twirled..It is on their website, last year the marathon closed out in 5 days and the half marathon in 30 hours. SO sad. So disappointed. Marathon number 3 a bust! 
2012 was looking like the "Year of Defeat and Disappointment" and it hadn't even started yet!


I got the boys off to school and came back home to get ready for my run at Indian Springs Metropark with "Danielle". 26 Degrees. Good grief do I even have enough clothes to keep me warm? I am gonna look like the Michelan Man running today. Even though it was sunny  it was freezing, and cold and me are not on good terms. But running on the DREADMILL is like dancing with the devil and I would rather run in the sun and be a bit cold then have a date with him. 



It was a beautiful run. The tree branches looked like white deer antlers. The path was cut right through the trees. Everything was so white and majestic. I was in awe. It was a lot easier running on this path then it was yesterday when we got out first snow. It was so fresh yesterday that I was having to run into traffic on the road because nothing was shoveled. Yesterday I felt like Frogger dodging in and out of traffic. I had a few slips but no falls. I got splashed a few times but never ran over. Today, I was safe. My path was paved for me. I ran next to "Danielle" this morning. I was a  bit tired today and a bit disappointed over the marathon, but ran with peace. With peace that supplied me with joy. This Joy acted as a shield deflecting all negativity. It was a great run with my new running friend.

"You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever" Psalms 16:11

When I returned home a bit of that sadness creeped in. Andy text me from work ...

I sat in the hot tub trying to warm up and sulked for a few minutes. I called mom and she was cute, "Anita, I have money, I could loan you..." I responded, "No, mom, Andy said no, I can't go against him, there is always tomorrow." We chatted a few minutes and I hung up. My phone alerted me I had a text, I looked at it and it was from Andy, It was a picture.

I was so happy I started crying..Such a CHICK.. lol
I jumped out of the tub laughing and singing.  I couldn't even think of what I was doing! Opening drawers and closing them empty handed,  I walked to the dryer and back to my bedroom dancing around the hall. Sheba looked at me like I was crazy. My head was just spinning. Thank YOU GOD!! Thank You! Thank you! I twisted my hips and through my head back dancing in my room with my ipod blasting. "For you that know me -know-I am that kind of SILLY!" 

THE RUNDOWN:

Wednesday

Time:56
Distance:7 miles
Pace:7:51

Thursday

Time 1:05
Distance:8 miles
Pace: 8:07

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

 Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anita